Recalls, Rejuvenation, and Redirection... Part 2

In my last post I spoke about how God worked in my life through my pacemaker being recalled. Today, I want to share with you what God did next in my life through rejuvenation and redirection!

God knows how much we can bear. He will truly never give us more than we can handle!
          Shortly after my pacemaker was recalled and I had surgery, I was walking across the stage receiving my high school diploma! It was such a great victory for me! From there, I was on my way to Ohio in August for college! I was so excited as I got accepted to Cedarville University to major in Education with a minor in bible! It was truly the school I wanted to go to!

          My four years at Cedarville were amazing and also life changing. They were amazing because for once in my life, I had no health problems! I was able to live a normal college life without hardship or worries about my health! I was completely seizure free all four years! Praise God! And my pacemaker and my heart were in great health! God truly knew I needed that time. I really couldn't handle any more health problems and truly needed time to breathe and rejuvenate. And that's exactly what the Lord blessed me with. I was actually able to make close friends at Cedarville. I only had aquaintances in high school because I was so sick and always embarrassed of my seizures. At college, I was able to drive, play in the symphonic band, play intramurals, join and lead different ministries, and become totally involved in school and in my friends' lives. I truly made life long friends. I really felt like I could breathe again and I was actually alive. I was rejuvenated!

       It was also during my time at Cedarville that my life was completely wrecked- in a good way! I always knew I wanted to be a teacher and was having a great time taking my educational courses. However, I kept hearing others talk about this Urban Ministry class and it continued to peek my interest. Thankfully, I was able to squeeze it into my busy schedule the fall of my senior year and my life has not been the same since.

        The first thing our professor, who I call Papa C, had us do was be homeless for a weekend. Yes... you read that right. Homeless. In order for us to really understand the problems and struggles faced in urban communities, Papa C had us experience it. And this was where my life was wrecked and completely turned upside down. I had everything stripped of me but the clothes I had from the salvation army and a bag. I was hot during the day and cold during the night. I had to sleep outside in hopes no animal would crawl over me and that it wouldn't rain. I experienced the painful struggles of hopelessness, hunger, despair, rejection, sleeplessness, anger, and the difficulties of survival when you are homeless. I had no idea where my next meal was, where I was going to sleep, angry at the world for feeding their dogs better than I was eating, angry at the rejection and looks of disgust people gave me when they looked at me, and felt hopeless as to if it would even get better. I scared myself when I didn't even want to hear about God or His love because all I wanted was breakfast. I started to see people in a different light. I wasn't afraid to talk to the man on the corner. I wasn't against giving someone a dollar because I knew what it felt like to need it. And it was when I had nothing when I didn't mind sharing my food with someone else. I realized I could never "pull myself up by my own boot straps" in these circumstances and that many people I talked to became homeless because of circumstances out of their control. I was full of mixed emotions.

       The rest of the semester, Papa C helped us navigate through our emotions as well as show us the dilemmas many people are facing in the United States right now, today, especially in our Urban and Rural Communities. It is as if our country is ignoring our own people. How is it that between all the well-developed countries in the world, the United States has the MOST children in poverty? In the United States, 22 percent of children live in poverty. I know there are third world countries in way worse conditions than us, but this is still not right. It doesn't make this ok. Something needs to be done for these families.

       And then Papa C said something I will never forget... "You can take any job and use it for the city." And that's it. It was like God was speaking right to me. My heart was so passionate about this injustice that I knew I would take my job of teaching and use it in the city to change lives. God showed me how education is literally the gateway to a better life. And the children in urban communities around the United States are getting an unfair education as they don't have enough resources and many of the good teachers don't want to teach there because of x, y, and z. I wanted to go and teach and give every child that enters my door a fair chance and opportunity to life.

             God completely redirected my paths. I was no longer comfortable just living in the suburbs. I was anxious and passionate to get into the city.... where my heart truly beat. So upon my graduation at Cedarville University I was offered a job in Brooklyn, NY and I jumped at it!

       So why share this?    I wanted to share this to show you that God knows you and loves you completely! He knows how much you can handle and He knows when to give you a break! After 6 hard years of health trouble through middle school and high school, God gave me break and gave me a chance to rejuvenate! And rejuvenate I did! So just know, where ever you may be on your journey of life, God will provide for you a way to rejuvenate, a chance to relax, a chance to breathe, and to just sit in utter peace with Him. Even if you're going through the toughest of times right now just hang on! You can make it! God will pull you through it! And on the other side will be a place for you to rest! So keep your head up, keep trusting God to get you through your battle, for we can already claim our victory with Him! And then be reassured that in God's timing, He will give you a place of rest and rejuvenation!
            I also wanted to share this to show you how if you let God lead your life, He will direct your path! He will show you the way to go! Just have a heart in love with Him and He will do the rest! I never thought when I was younger that I would be living in the city and loving it! Gosh, I didn't even think about it when I was a sophmore in college. But I gave my heart to God, and He completely wrecked it in such a beautiful way where I fell in love for the things His heart sings for. I became passionate about the struggles and injustices in the inner city and God equiped with me the tools He saw fit and then led me to Brooklyn! So all I can say is give your life to God, trust Him, and let Him use you in the exact perfect way He has planned for you! He'll wreck your life in the most beautiful way!

I want to leave you with a verse that God used and continues to use to speak to me in my life!

Isaiah 40: 28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Just look to Him and He will give you all the strength you need and more! He will rejuvenate you and give you a place of rest!

I'm Living by God's heartbeat,

Loving Recklessly,
Becky

Recalls, Rejuvination, and Redirection (part 1)....

You may be puzzled as to what these 3 things: Recalls, Rejuvination, and Redirection have in common. But as my story unfolds you'll see very clearly how these 3 things really do relate to one another in the view of God's eyes. Being recalled means that something or someone cannot be used anymore because it is dangerous in someway and must be fixed at once. Rejuvination is being refilled and refreshed with rest, energy, and peace of mind. Redirection is to stop the way you are going and take a completely different route or direction. And methaphorically, God recalls, rejuvinates, and redirects each of us as we grow closer to him and become more like him. He is "fixing" us in the areas we need help with, giving us rest in his presence, and redirects our paths to follow him. Through these things He is crafting and shaping us into the person He would have for us to be. It was in the next chapter of my life that He worked on me through these very ways. Some metaphorically, some not so metaphorically...

   It is now the spring of my senior year and the senior prom is right around the corner. I am doing great as I am able to play basketball and do everything I did before with now having my pacemaker and I am doing very well on my medication with my seizures. By this time I have gone months without having a seizure!

    I came home from school one ordinary day to see a message blinking on the answering machine. It was a nurse from the hospital that I had my heart surgery done at. She simply asked us to call them back but stressed that it was urgent and important. This had my parents and I worried. Usually we are the ones to the call the hospital..... not the other way around!

     So we call the hospital back and hear SHOCKING news.... SHOCKING. The doctor gets on the phone and starts off by saying "I'm sorry but I have some bad news." I'm like oh great! He then says "The good news is your pacemaker is ok, but the bad news is your pacemaker has been recalled." I was like a deer in headlights. I was like WHAT?!?! RECALLED?? Are you serious? I felt like a broken car part. He then explained that the pacemaker I have is having problems because the wires are falling out of the pacemaker in other people. The good news was I was ok at the moment, but they wanted me in for surgery ASAP! It was the middle of the week, like a tuesday, and they were ready to schedule me for Thursday or Friday.

      But I, with my teenage mind, wasn't having it! I was like oh no.... my senior prom is this Friday and I WANT to go. If my pacemaker is ok, then we can wait til AFTER the prom. I look back now and ask myself "what was I thinking." But as every teenage girl looks forward to the prom, so did I. My mother and I had sewn a dress just for me to wear and I wanted so bad to be able to go and wear it. I had it made up in my mind that I wasn't going to let anything ruin that night for me! So that's what happened.... I went to my prom Friday night and had an absolute blast... and then was in for surgery Saturday morning.

        After hearing the news over the phone, all I had in my head was "Again?" Really? I can't believe this. God, why am I going through this all over again? And recalled? Are you joking? This is completely out of no where. I could have never seen this coming. And then I had a little one on one time with God. But ultimately, through my time with God, I came at peace knowing that I will not know why and that I don't need to. I just need to trust God because He knows the plans of my life and this is just another chapter- a mind blowing chapter at that. The Lord even tells us in Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  So I knew all that God is doing in me is for a hope and future, not to harm me, and just trusted Him with that simple fact. HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING AND I DON'T NEED TO KNOW OR UNDERSTAND! I JUST NEED TO TRUST!

         When I went into the surgery this time around, I could tell that my faith level with God had grown. I had trusted my life into God's hands once before that it made it a whole lot easier to trust Him again knowing that He knows what He is doing. I fully surrendered my life to Him knowing and accepting that He could take me if He wanted to and had joy knowing that the outcomes of both were going to be glorious! I would either wake up and see my family or wake up and see my heavenly Father!  So I continued to trust Him through this surgery and God was very faithful! It was a great success!

       This also was a time God used to strengthen me in my walk with Him! He continued to put me through "trainings" I like to say. Just like a personal training makes you do things you would never choose to do yourself to help you get fit. God puts us through "trainings" or trials that we would never choose to go through ourselves to teach us more about him and how to live our lives fully for Him. We are able to get spiritually fit and stronger in the Lord and in our faith, knowledge, and understanding of him! That is why I would never trade these experiences for the world. This is who I am and this is how God has molded and shaped me into who I am today!

       I want to encourage all of you... whatever you are going through, whatever "training" or trial God has you in at this very moment, just surrender and TRUST God! You could be going through a terrible health diagnoses, a death in the family, a financial crisis, losing a job, a break up, troubled children, relationship problems, you name it. Whatever it is, I pray that you may be able to surrender and trust God with it! Let Him fill your heart and heal your hurts! My pacemaker being recalled came way out of left field and I got to the point where I just chuckled because it was so bizarre and knew that this was only God. I didn't understand it, I had no idea why, but I trusted Him! It's in most scenarios that we have to stop trying so hard to figure out the whys and just be content with not understanding because we cannot comprehend the mind of God! Stop looking at the problem and trying to figure out the whys, but look to the God of heaven who knows you by name, who formed and created you, and who loves you deeply- more than anyone on earth could love you, and who has an amazing plan for your life. LOOK TO HIM AND TRUST HIM! Just surrender the questions and know that God is doing a great work in you and trust him to help you through it! He has "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a future." Just hang on to Him. Let Him build in you the strength and endurance of faith, hope, peace, love, and joy that only He can give you!

          In Jeremiah 29, after the Lord tells He has plans to give you a hope and a future it goes on in verse 12: "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity." HE WILL HEAR YOU AND HE WILL FREE YOU!!! He will get you through your situation! So SEEK HIM! And TRUST HIM!!

        I will continue sharing with you what happened next through the stories of my rejuvination and redirection in another post! So stay tuned for part 2!

        Meanwhile, I want to leave you with this- music has been a huge part of my life and God has used it to speak to me and minister to me. So here's another song that God used in my life! Be Encouraged!

Worth it All- by Rita Springer

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways
Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I needI will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this

Here's a link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQVmR0jV52A

I'm living by God's heartbeat,

Loving Recklessly,
Becky

      
   

Why I'm doing what I'm doing....

I wanted to take a little break from sharing my testimony and take the opportunity to share with you my heart of what I know God has called me to do. Enjoy the video...

http://vimeo.com/27724702


Living by God's heartbeat..

Loving recklessly,
Becky

Are you ready to die?

Many of us have had an experience where death has stared us in the face. Some of you may have been fortunate enough not to, but just imagine yourself about to face death. At that moment, are you ready to die? ... I asked myself that very same question at the age of 16.

     I was in 10th grade, coping and dealing with my seizures, and trying to get through school one day at a time. Thanksgiving was approaching and that meant basketball season would soon be here! In preparation for basketball, I was getting a routine physical done in school that all athletes had to have. During the physical, the doctor was listening to my heart, looked at me, listened to my heart again, wrote some things down, and then at the end of the physical told me I should go get my heart looked at because he heard something.

     Thoughts just started rushing through my head- What? Are you kidding? Is this for real? What in the world is going on? I can't believe this. What could it possibly be? God, is this really happening to me? Again? Something else now?

    Well, I went home and told my parents the news and they were just as stunned. This just came out of no where. So we set up an appointment to go get it looked it.

     Sure enough, once we got to the doctor's office, he took a listen and he heard something as well. So right away I was sent to go get many many tests done. I had to wear a halter monitor that recorded my heartbeat throughout the day, have two stress tests (which were awful), get an echo, have an mri... and a few more. I quickly got use to having people listening to me, touching me, and always having wires attached to me. My family and I continued to try and let this sink in as it was all happening so quickly and we still weren't really able to process the fact that I might have a heart problem. I was just asking God that he would show us what it was.

      After about two weeks of testing, we came back to the doctor's office, he sat us down, and told us that I have Wolf Parkinson's White Disease (WPW). We were like WHAT? He then explained that WPW is when my heart beats too fast when I'm sitting, and not fast enough when I'm running. The reason this happens is because the heart has too many electrical nerves than it should. That means I was born with extra electrical nerves in my heart that caused the WPW. When we heard this, my parents and I were all bug eyed and had to remember to take a breath. It was just shocking. This is when it finally hit home... this is real... I really have a heart problem.

     So he continues to tell us that there's good news- "there's a surgery that can be done to fix this problem and it has been very successful. It's called an ablation which means they use small cathedars (or wires of some kind) to go into the heart and burn away the extra nerves that shouldn't be there."

    Shortly after, the surgery was scheduled and I was trying to understand and cope with all that was happening. The doctor had to sit me down the day before the surgery and tell me all the risks about the surgery and all I remember from that conversation was his statement "some people have died from this surgery, however that was when this surgery was first started and is not likely at all to happen to you." Well the rest of the conversation was like charlie brown's teacher- woh wah wah wah.... All I took from that is..... I AM GOING TO DIE. I must have had a glazed look on my face the rest of the way home as I didn't say much and just kept thinking that- I'm getting HEART surgery....I'm going to die tomorrow.

      That night I couldn't sleep. I was up pleading with God- God I don't want to die. It's not fair. I'm not ready to die. I want to get married and have kids. I want to finish school. I want to do this, I want that, I want, I want, I want.....

    Then all of sudden as I'm thinking all these thoughts and pleading with God- it just hits me. Why am I afraid to die? Don't I want to literally be able to stand face to face and see my God? Don't I want to be in heaven someday, which just might be sooner than I thought? Whatever happened to my love and desire for my King, my God? Isn't He the most important thing I should desire? There's nothing else that compares to Him. There's nothing else that matters, nothing else that lasts, everything is meaningless just like in the example of Job. Whatever happened to having a longing for heaven? I should long to be with my King. This world and this life is not what I should be wanting. And at that very moment I surrendered my life over to God. I told him... you know my desires, but I let them go and surrender my life to you because it is not mine but yours, you hold the plans of my life. May whatever happens be of you and for your glory. And then at that exact moment I surrendered all my selfish desires for His desires, and I felt his all- surpassing and unexplainable peace come over me and calm every last worry and every last nerve in my body. I was at peace. And after I surrendered my life to Him, I realized it was a win- win situation. Either I'll wake up and see my God or I'll wake up and see my parents! So there is really nothing at all I should worry over. For whether I live or I die, the outcomes are both marvelous! It's a win- win!

      The next day I was ready... I was ready to tell death to stop staring me in the face because you have no power over me! I'm not afraid to die and see my everlasting King! So I went into surgery with complete peace knowing that my life was in God's hands and that I was trusting him! He knew what he was doing!

    So I wake up out of surgery and praise God with whatever I can (as groggy as you are getting out of surgery) because I am still alive and God has plan for me to be here on this earth a little longer! Praise the Lord!!! :) However, I then hear the doctor talk to me, as I am still in and out of it from the anestesia, and he tells me that the surgery was unsuccessful. (Sound effects: Wah, wah, wah....)

       What happened was when he was going in to burn away a extra electrical nerve in my heart, the bad nerve was covering and overlapping a good nerve that no doctor could have seen. So when he burned the bad nerve, he burned the good nerve too. This in turn, now caused 100 percent heart block. Heart block is when the top chambers of the heart can not communicate to the bottom chambers of the heart for what pace to beat at. So what ends up happening is the top chambers are beating at one pace and the bottom chambers at a totally different pace. Not Good! Your heart can't keep a steady rate and get the blood flowing properly throughout your body when they're not beating in sync. So the doctors wanted to observe me for 3 days before deciding what to do because they said that sometimes the heart is able to fix itself.

     Well within those 3 days, I don't remember much. My dad said they were literally pumping adrenaline into my body through an IV to keep my heart at a good pace. But my heart would jump all around. One second the monitor is showing it's beating at the pace of 63 then the next second it's at 120, then back down to 40 then up to 80... and over all the place within just seconds. I would be laying in bed and my heart would start to beat so fast I thought it was going to fly out of my chest. I stood up to give someone a hug and fainted. My heart could just not keep a beat. Needless to say, after 3 days, the doctors told me I would need a pacemaker.

     So again, I had to go back into surgery, and after having to hear all the risks for this surgery, I still continued to keep my life in God's hands and have His complete peace. And praise the Lord, this time everything went well! I got out of the surgery and recovered for a few days in hospital where they observed me to make sure everything was working ok and then I was able to finish recovering at home. So.. a pacemaker for those who don't know... basically tells my heart when to beat. It's keeps a pace! My pacemaker listens to the top chambers of my heart and tells the bottom chambers when to beat by sending a small pulse. The pacemaker is only the size of two half dollar coins stacked together, it has a battery that needs to be replaced every 5 years, and has a very sophisticated computer chip in it where it can speed up the pulse for me when I exercise and run, it records any funny heart beats for my doctor to look at, and can change the strength of the pulse. These little things are actually pretty cool with all that they can do!

        So now I live and breath by the power of a tiny pacemaker. I am 98 percent dependant on my pacemaker which means my heart literally can't beat without help. This alone was a huge lesson in my life. If I am totally relying and depending on this tiny little battery (that can fail me at any moment) to live, breath, act, move, and do anything and everything in life..... how much MORE dependant should I be on God???? We need to depend on God for our every need. He is our source of strength, of healing, of joy, of comfort, of our physical needs, of mercy, of forgiveness... He is our source for EVERYTHING! We need to stop trying to do things on our own. The reality is we can't. We are going to continue to fail over and over again the more we try to do things our own way. We need to just surrender EVERYTHING to God and let Him show us his amazing power!! Just like my heart can't beat on it's own and depends on the pacemaker, so we too need to realize we can't do it on our own and depend on God! There's a freedom to letting go and letting God move!!! It's completely freeing! Just trust God!

      And know too, that I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything else in the world. I thank God for this! Everything that happens in our lives is for a purpose. It is through this experience that I was able to get my perspective right on what's the most important thing in this world. Nothing else matters but Christ and His love for us. Nothing else matters- it's all going to fade away.

    Some of you may be asking how when I had to face death- how did I know without a doubt I would go to heaven? I'm here to tell you it's because of Christ's love for us! Christ came down from heaven, died on a cross for our sins, and rose again, defeating death just so we could go to heaven. No matter how many good acts you do, you could never make it to heaven on your own. We are all filthy sinners. Just one lie makes us a filthy sinner and the only way to pay the price for sin is death, but the good news is Christ paid that price for us already!! He made a way! It's His loving sacraficial gift to us that all we need to do is accept it and follow Him! So I encourage you if you have never accepted His gift to not wait another second, but to accept His gift and follow Him! It's the most important decision you could ever make! Then you too can face death and laugh in it's face knowing that one day you will be able to stand in glory with Jesus Christ in heaven! You'll have eternal life in heaven with Christ! Death has no power over us! So trust your life to Him! And Live for Him!
       
         And if you have accepted Christ and are living for him, I challenge you.... what are you living for? Are you living for fleshly desires? Are you focused on things of this earth? Are you focused on selfish desires? Or are you remembering that the things of this earth will fade away and don't matter? Are you focused on the things that count? Is you life surrendered to God to do the things He has called you to do? Are you eager to one day be in heaven and be able to worship God at His feet? Are you eager to see Him face to face? Where is your focus? And who are you depending on? Are you trying to do it all by yourself like you've got this.. or are you surrendered and depending on God?

       I tell you, this experience has changed my life for the better and I remember it every morning and every day as I wake up and thank God for life. I thank God for another breath. I thank God that I can run and play basketball. And I give every second of it to Him. I'm living for Him! He's why I'm alive and that's why I'm here to proclaim His good news, His love, His grace, His mercy, and His faithfulness... His everlasting faithfulness! So I encourage you, if you're going through a tough time of health, finances, umemployment, relationships, you name it.... surrender it to God. Trust Him and know that He will answer your prayers! Let His all surpassing peace come over you and give you rest. Let Him show you His power and glory through working it all out! God is faithful.... He will provide!!! He will heal!! He will save!!! He will meet every single need and desire that is ours when we are fully surrendered to Him!!! So just let go and let God!! TRUST HIM!!! Let you're faith grow!! He will do it!! Know that HE IS FAITHFUL!

          I pray that this encourages you!! And know that there is more to my story..... but that is for another day! So please stay tuned!

        I want to leave you with a song that really encouraged me during this time. It's called One Day at a Time by Jeremy Camp. All we can do while we're in the middle of the storm is take it one day at a time....

One day at a time i will walk this road i've traveled so far
One day at a time well i know i will carry on
One day at a time i can see you took my life this far
One day at a time I will take this faith along

All this hope i breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and i'll take all i will
To understand this plan you have for me, for me

I've been shut up shut down held out held down
In ways i never knew i would
I CAN feel your fullness in my life
Well i've been burned out broken torn out torn down
In ways i never knew i would
I CAN feel your fullness in my life

One day at a time I will take these words you've given me
One day at a time I will rest in knowing you
One day at a time I will share this gift you've given me
One day at a time I will walk these valleys through

All I know is that I see how much my heart
Is longing to be cradled by your side
And i'll give all i can to one day soon
Be held by your hand, by your hand

In all these things i will press on
I'll be with you i know it wont be long

Here's the link to here the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyUrpBVcWOY

Living by God's heartbeat...

Loving Recklessly,
Becky

Why me God?

So here's part 2 of my REWIND series...

Last time I told you I had spinal menigitis, lymes disease, bells palsy, and a car accident. Well, now I'm here to tell you what happened when I turned 13...

    I was waiting at the bus stop one morning with a group of friends. As we waited for the bus to come to take us to school, we were having normal fun and dialog. Next, all I remember was my friends were quiet and staring at me, then the bus pulled up so I walked onto the bus. Once we were on the bus, my friend Jamie asked me "Why did you do that?" I was completely confused. "Do what?" I asked her. Then she went on to tell me that while we were waiting at the bus stop I took my hand and started to play with another girl's hair and then just walked onto the bus like nothing happened. I then fought with her saying that I didn't do that, I don't remember touching anyone's hair. Needless to say, we both ended the conversation very confused!

          That was only the beginning.... then my dad saw me in the bathroom brushing the mirror with my hairbrush. I was so confused, I didn't remember doing that... Then I was making a cake and my dad tried talking to me but he said I wasn't responding. So he took me away from the mixer and sat me in a chair and got really scared because I wasn't responding to him... I was staring into outerspace. I don't remember anything.... all I remember is I was mixing a cake and then I'm in a chair where my dad is freaking out and scaring me. Sooooo..... needless to say, after that, we went to the doctor to see what was going on!

        After doing a lot of tests with my doctor, we found out that I suffer from Epilepsy which means I have seizures. So all this time, I was having seizures. Now I know when everyone hears the word 'seizure' they think of someone falling to the ground and shaking. So just to clear the air and give you a better understanding of seizures, there's actually a grand spectrum of seizures in how mild or grand they are.

<--------------------------l------------------------------>
petite                      me                            grand mal
seizures                                                    seizures

On one end, there are petite seizures which could only last maybe 3 seconds.... they're very minor but still a seizure. On the other end of the spectrum are the grand mal seizures which are the severe ones where the persons falls to the ground and shakes. I, on the other hand, am smack dab in the middle of the spectrum and have Partial Complex seizures. For partial complex seizures, I go unconscience, have a blank stare on my face, won't respond to anything, but my motor skills are still moving and working. So that is why I touched my friend's hair but don't remember and why I was brushing the bathroom mirror but had no clue I was doing it. I literally have a gap in my memory because of going unconscience.

Epilepsy is not hereditary. You have to have had an injury to the head or a major illness to cause you to start suffering from seizures. Yes, I have 3 things that it could be: my spinal menigitis, the lymes disease, or hitting my head in the accident. However, the problem is that my seizures didn't start right after any of those incidents. It was years later that I started to have seizures. So the cause of my seizures is still a mystery to this day!

Well, there is no formula or magic cure in "this is how you cure seizures.." Every person's situation is very unique to them. What works for them may not work for me. So all they can do is try some medication and wait to see if it works.... and if not, try again.

So that's what we did.... they started me on some medication. I was having about 2 seizures a week before I started the medicine and after I started the medicine, it went down to one a week. We had to wait a few months, went back to the doctor, switched my medicine and got it down to 2 a month. We had to wait a few months, went back to the doctor, switched my medicine and got it down to once a month. Had to wait a few months, went back to the doctor, switched my medicine, and got it down to one every other month.... and this is how the cycle went for 6 years!!! It wasn't until I graduated from high school that I was seizure free for a whole year!

Now as I was finding all this out and coming to grips with it.... all I kept asking is "Why me, God?" I hated it, I was ashamed of it, I felt like a complete weirdo and freak and was embarrassed of it as I was going through high school. But I never let it hold me back from doing anything because my whole desire was to feel as normal as everyone else and conquer this challenge. So I still was fully involved in high school, played basketball, took honors classes, fully involved in youth group, and so forth. I refused to let that define me.

   But it wasn't easy... I was constantly exhausted. Beyond exhausted. The side effect of every medication I took was drowsiness.... so I was constantly sleeping. My mom could tell you. I would wake up, go to school, come home, fall asleep, wake up for dinner, do my homework, go to bed. That was it. By my senior year of high school I got permission to come to school a period later just so I could sleep longer it was that bad. And then I would have seizures at all the wrong places... while I'm taking class tests, during basketball practice, in church, in class, anywhere. And it was so embarassing because my body would do something crazy like how I unzipped my jeans in my history class, or almost lifted up my skirt in church, or flung all my papers on the floor in math class.... EMBARRASSING! And then it would be hard physically too because after the seizure, I would get a piercing migraine and have to go home and lay down.

    I had many mixed emotions with God during this time. I was so mad and frustrated and upset. I hated having these. I felt like they ruined my life. I would get to the point of being without a seizure for longer and longer periods of time, just to then disappointingly have one and have to start over from square one again. I remember vividly, I was taking my SAT exam so I could get into college... and during the test I went into a seizure. The test proctor had no clue what was going on. But once I came out of it, my papers were everywhere and I was so confused. And that's when I broke out into tears. My test was ruined!... I ended up running out crying, told them to cancel my scores, and went home. It was then at moment that I cried out and screamed to God, "WHY?" It was a gut wrenching cry from the depths of my soul with sobs of tears as I laid on my bed. And at that very moment, God met me. I felt him cry with me and just hold me and tell me "it's going to be ok... I know it's hard, but trust me it's going to be ok." And then this peace, this unexplainable peace, came over me. It was so calming and reassuring.

And after that encounter with our true living and loving God, I started to build this faith and trust God that it's all going to be ok. Even if I did have a seizure, I kept trusting God as I knew he had/has this on my life for a reason, a plan, and a purpose. And even if I don't see it or know what that plan or purpose is, I made a conscience decision to just trust him. So know... everything in our lives is planned and orchestrated by God! I don't know what you may be going through... but just trust him through this rough time in your life. Know that everything is going to be ok. And know that God loves you and has a purpose and a plan for you through this! Just keep trusting Him!

But now, that's not all!! SUPRISE!!! While I was dealing with and coming to grips with my seizures.... another thing happened to me when I was 16!!! Stay tuned for the next post to see what happened to me then.

 For now, I'll leave you with a song that really helped my through my seizures during high school... It's Jury Duty by the OC Supertones. There is one line in the chorus that I would just play over and over in my head all the time. It's "I don't always thank you for the rough days and the hard times in my life, even though I should". We need to always thank him and praise for EVERYTHING in our life!

This is the Chorus:
Every single moment whether sleeping or awake is your creation
What you made is good
I don't always thank you for the rough days and the hard times in my life,
Even though I should.

Here's a link to the song- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6WUIBr7Ncs

I pray you're encouraged by it through the rough times you may be going through in your life! Just Trust God!!

Living and loving by God's heartbeat,
Becky

Rewind....

One of the main reasons I started this blog was to share with you God's incredible FAITHFULNESS through my experiences! I'm alive only because of Him! Hallelujah! So in order to tell you my story.... I must first rewind and start at the beginning! And just to give you a heads up.... I will be doing this in segments!

Life is a journey... twists, turns, dead ends, blessings, heartache, and many surprises. God has written for each one of us our own journey.... our own story! He works in all of our lives in many different, miraculous, and amazing ways. It's our job to share it with the world!

We all have a story to tell...

I am very blessed to have a mother and father who are madly in love with the Lord and have dedicated their lives to Him! I know that because of their faith, I was raised on a strong foundation where I learned about God and His love for me and witnessed it day after day through their actions. I praise God for them.

When I was 6 months old, I contracted spinal meningitis. My parents told me they remember that I spiked at a very high fever and while in the hospital, was having seizures because of the high fever. My mom and dad can only tell me that those next few days were a big blur as their emotions were everywhere. But praise God, after a few days in the hospital, the spinal meningitis was gone, I was better, and I was allowed to go home.

When I was 5 years old, I asked Jesus to come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior! I remember going to Sunday School every week and my teacher talking about Jesus dying for me so I could go to heaven. So one morning I told my mom I want to ask Jesus to come into my heart and save me so I could go to heaven. And we prayed together on my bed that morning! I thank God again for my amazing parents and for being raised under their faith in God because if I wasn't saved at an early age or knew about God's love and grace as I got older.... I have no idea where I would be today!

When I was 8, I was bit by a tick, and contracted Lymes Disease. Growing up in South Jersey... it's almost inevitable. It's like every other person you knew had Lymes Disease. We live in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey, so there are ticks all over the forests. So to take care of my Lymes Disease, I had to have an I.V. in my arm and feed medicine through it daily. As an 8 year old, this was a nightmare... I remember crying so many times because they had to take more than 4 or 5 attempts to try and get an I.V. in my arm, sometimes the I.V. would fall out, and it was the summer and I couldn't go swimming. I had to do this for a total of 8 weeks. And by the end, my veins were so shot from the I.V.s that I remember they stuck me 16 times before giving up.

Well... that wasn't all. The Lymes Disease ended up giving me Bells Palsy on the left side of my face. Bells Palsy is a tempory paralysis in the face. For me, this meant I had no control over my muscles and nerves on the left side of my face, and my face just drooped. To treat my Bells Palsy I had to go through electrical stimulation which is when they use an electrical current to stimulate or cause a single muscle or nerve to contract. This contraction makes the injured muscles strengthen and promotes healing. I also had to look in the mirror every morning and do facial exercises of smiling and frowning and other expressions to help strengthen my facial muscles. It took a while, but I praise God that my face healed and got back to normal where no one can see a difference at all. Only I can feel this, but when I smile, I still can feel a difference in one side being stronger than the other. But God is our AMAZING healer and I praise Him for healing me of the Lymes Disease and Bells Palsy.

When I was 10, my family and I were on the road taking a family vacation. We had a Bronco at the time and we were pulling a pop- up camper on the back of the Bronco with plans of going camping! I remember we were taking the ferry as a nice break on our road trip south. When it was time to drive off the ferry, my sister and I wanted to see through the front window. So I remember we piled pillows on our seat and sat on top of the pillows so we could see. We had no seat belts on. Right after we got off the ferry, a drunk driver ran into our camper... making our bronco turn and go up a telephone pole. My sister and I flew forward in the impact and I remember my dad was able to catch my sister, but I hit my head pretty bad on the dashboard. Thankfully we were all able to walk away and after being checked out in the hospital, we were all fine! Praise God again for His protection and safety over us!

..... this is just the beginning of the story God has written in my life.... 

and every day I praise God for being alive. For I could have died at 6 months... at 8 years old... or at 10 years old. But God has shown me HIS FAITHFULNESS... His everlasting faithfulness in my life! God has decided to keep me longer because I know He has a bigger purpose and calling for me. My work for Him is not finished!

So I just want to encourage you.... whatever you're going through... God is FAITHFUL and He will see you through it!! It might not be physical problems like I had... it could be financial, relationships, unemployment, you name it! Whatever you're going through... know that God is with you and He will see you through!!! Just TRUST in HIM!!! Just TRUST! Let go and TRUST! Take that leap of faith! Give over your worries, give over your burdens. Leave them at His feet! He will take care of you!! You are His child! He loves you!

And this is just the first chapter of my life..... stay tuned for what happened next when I turned 13. It's only by God's grace that I'm here... only His grace...

Psalms 36:5-9:
 ⁵ Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens,
   your faithfulness to the skies.
⁶ Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
   your justice like the great deep.
   You, LORD, preserve both people and animals.
⁷ How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
   People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
⁸ They feast on the abundance of your house;
   you give them drink from your river of delights.
⁹ For with you is the fountain of life;
   in your light we see light.

Living by God's heartbeat...

Loving Recklessly,
Becky

What does God's heart beat for?

    You know when there's something you just absolutely love or are passionate about and you start to do it or talk about it... you get really excited and you feel alive!! Ever had that experience??? I have. I know for me... it's music!! If you see me play with my band, I truly feel alive and am so excited about it! Or just have a conversation with me about music, and I'm grinning ear to ear... I love it!! I'd say things and experiences like that are what our hearts beat for! We love it!

But what about God? What does his heart beat for?  What is he most passionate about?

    As I thought about this, many things came to my mind and they can all be summed up in the simple word of LOVE! The theme of love is woven throughout the whole bible as God shows his love for us over and over again and how we too should love! The bible can be summed up in two commands: 1) LOVE the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, and mind and  2) LOVE your neighbor as yourself!

So what does God's heart beat for?

    I think it's desiring to see us LOVE! He desires to see us seek him, and love him with all our hearts! And He desires to see us show His love to EVERYONE around us! To love others! This means loving your horrible boss, the annoying coworker, the weirdo person on the train, and the smelly homeless man. All of them are God's children that need God's love!

     And how do you go about showing his love? It's by meeting their needs, being there for them, and fighting for them! Jesus didn't come to earth to sit on a throne. When Jesus came to earth, he served others, fought for others, and fought for justice! He was despised by so many because he continued to break laws and upset the ways of government that were not right or were unfair to others. He fought for the justice and rights of all, especially the poor!

   Matthew 25: 35-36 says, "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
Verse 40 then says, "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

       God is in the business of helping others, the poor, the outcasts, the lonely, EVERYONE! Everyone needs to feel and see the Love of God!

So what are some ways we can do that?

   Easy... there are TONS of ways.... but what God calls or inspires us to do will be different for each one of us! I read this book titled Zealous Love by Mike and Danae Yankoski. I highly recommend it! It tells you about the 8 biggest problems going on in our world today- human trafficking, unclean water, refugees, hunger, lack of education, not taking care of our environment, HIV/AIDS, and inequality. I mean just take a second and let that all sink in! Its crazy how much hurt and wrong is going on around us and it is so easy for us to be oblivious to it as we go on with our daily lives! People don't have clean water, a place to sleep, or the same rights that we do and that's not right! I challenge you to really spend time thinking about the vast needs that are out there and what you might be passionate about to help and to change! And read Zealous Love!! It will help guide you, inform you, and see what you may be passionate about!

    And please don't take this as me saying these 8 things are the only things we can do... not at all! I'm just mentioning them because they're the biggest problems across the globe and I'm pretty sure that God is really concerned about them. But God is calling us all in smaller ways to love the people that we meet, see, and work with everyday too!

     For me, I know now that God has given me this deep desire about education! I went to the Philippines this summer and I found out that many children are unable to get an education because they're families can't afford to pay for them to go to school! I was very distraught by that! Every child should be able to get an education. And it was there that it made me realize that education is the only key that will open the door for someone to get out of poverty. Unless you're gifted with a trade, you need an education to have a job that will provide for all your basic needs.

     And then I thought about it in America- the only thing that will break the cycle of poverty and welfare in families is an education. That is the only key to breaking the cycle! With an education, a huge door opens with many opportunities for jobs that will sustain a living. Without an education, you can only get jobs that pay very little and can't really sustain a living. Then I thought about all the outside forces that try and keep kids away from completing their education: gangs, drugs, sex, violence. Its a fight! And its a fight I'm willing to fight! God's given me this deep passion to help our children succeed by giving them an education and helping them see the the importance in that! And God has prompted me to become a principal....so I just started classes at NYU this week to reach that goal! Please pray for me as I go that I will learn all that God wants me to learn and that He molds me into the principal and educator that He wants me to be!

So how are you "living by God's heartbeat?"

Me- God is my pacemaker and I'm passionate about educating our children, I'm living by God's heartbeat!

Loving Recklessly,
Becky