"Jesus, please don't let me die!" That was what I was crying outloud through tears and gasps of breath as I lay on my kitchen floor. I was scared out of my mind, to the depth of my soul... all I could continue to do was cry out "Jesus". My head felt like it was spinning and ready to explode....
Earlier that morning I had just started setting up my classroom for the upcoming school year. It was a very successful day as I got a lot accomplished, but I needed to go buy more supplies. So after going to a teacher store, I was on the bus heading home when I started to not feel right. As I was sitting in my seat, I was getting waves of dizziness to my head. I tried to feel my pulse and even though I'm not a doctor... the pulse didn't feel right.
After getting off of the bus, about every 5 steps I took I had to stop and try to maintain my balance as I would get this rush of lightheadedness to my head. It made my head feel like it was going to explode and also make me feel weak and want to fall over. Now I was concerned. Something's not right and I think it's my heart. So I slowly took my time to get to my apartment, stopping every 5 steps, and planned on calling my doctor as soon I got in.
<<PAUSE>> I know, know... you don't want a pause in the story..... BUT there's something important you must know before we continue. Plus.... it adds more dramatic effect making you wait! :)
What you need to know is that I have a pacemaker. I have had one for 10 years and am fully dependant on it for my heart to beat.
ok..... now we can continue....
So when I walked in my apartment, I literally dropped everything at the door, took my phone, and went straight to the kitchen for a glass of water. I was hoping maybe some water would help me feel better. But still, this feeling was not going away. It was actually getting worse. I was continually feeling the rushes of lightheadedness. So I open the refrigerator and reach in for the pitcher of water.......
......I wake up on the kitchen floor, water spilled all over me and the floor, the refrigerator door still open, my lip is busted. What just happened? I was so confused. It took a second, but I finally realized that I had just fainted. Now, I'm home alone... my roommate was at work, no mommy or daddy up here. I start freaking out. I mean, how long was I out? I have no idea. And now the rushes of lightheadedness are nonstop- there's no break. So I'm sitting on my kitchen floor with tears streaming down my eyes as my head feels like its about to explode, there's nothing I can do to stop it, I feel completely helpless and I'm scared out of my mind.
I praise God that I had my phone with me. I call my doctor and he was able to help calm me down a lot, but I still was having the nonstop pressure in my head of ligtheadedness. After a conversation with my doctor, we both agreed it had to be my pacemaker and that I should get it checked out. He told me if I could get to NYU he could call ahead to get me in faster and since he's affliliated with that hospital, anything I needed done could be done there. So I started to call friends who have cars. First phone call, no answer. Second person, no answer. Third person, is stuck and can't leave. Fourth person, at a water park outside of the city..... I'm freaking out all over again and just crying "Jesus". [Its in these moments that crying out one word means so much more and is much deeper than any lofty prayer that people try to use high vocabulary words to impress those around them. Prayer is so simple- just say or cry out what your feeling. God knows. He'd rather you be real with him instead of trying to follow a "this is how you pray" plan. So I challenge you- just cry out to Jesus.] So I try person number five, and finally by God's blessing- this brother was able to help me! And by the time I got off of the phone with him, my roommate came home and her presence alone helped calm me down.
So he picked me and my roommate up, and we went to NYU. Praise God it wasn't long until I got in and right away they could see my heatbeat was off. When they finally interrogated my pacemaker to see what was wrong they found out that the wire that connects my pacemaker to my heart was failing. It wasn't sending the pulse through which meant my heart wasn't getting the pulses it needed. So I needed surgery! Thankfully the doctor was able to switch some setting on my pacemaker so that I felt fine again while waiting to be admitted and scheduling my surgery for the next day. And one thing I praise God for is the family of Christ! I am truly blessed! My roommate and my brother in Christ stayed with me by my side the whole time until I was admitted and it was such a deep blessing that they did that for me, words can't describe how thankful I am.
So to fastforward a little. The next morning, my mom drove up and was with me for my surgery. The doctors told us they were planning on replacing the wire and giving me a new pacemaker battery. The surgery was a great success! And the day after my surgeruy, I was given permission to go home and again I was amazed and overwhelmed by the love of the family of Christ. I had a sister in Christ freely volunteer to come pick me up and take me home and she stayed and cooked dinner for me. I didn't even have to worry about finding a ride. And to continue to show the blessings of the family of Christ- my roommate had many friends come over and give me a surprise welcome home party! And I had brothers and sisters come and set up my classroom for me since I couldn't do it. They were absolutely amazing! I am amazed by God and truly blessed. I can't put into words the depths of my thankfulness for each and every person in my life!
Now- it's been 4 months since the surgery and I can PRAISE GOD that I am still alive and that everything with my heart, my pacemaker, and my wire is GREAT! To God be the Glory!
So why tell you this story??...............glad you asked :)
While I was in the process of recovering, I was inspired by God and also through talking with others to share my stories with you to show you GOD'S FAITHFULNESS!! My testimony is a living example of God's faithfulness! I truly could have died that day. But by God's everlasting love and faithfulness to us, He saw me through this and has made me stronger because of it! I mean this with all my heart when I tell you - I will never doubt God again in my life for I know that I know that I know He will always come through. After this experience I feel so strong and secure, and anchored... nothing or no one could ever waver my faith again. So if I could leave you with one thing today it is to just TRUST GOD and know that HE IS FAITHFUL! Whatever you may be going through right at this moment- just let go and let God. Just trust Him! He will see you through-- He will!
Here's a verse to leave you with:
Psalms 73: 26- "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
I have literally felt my flesh and my heart fail--- but God was and will always be my strength!
God is my pacemaker- I'm Living By God's Heartbeat
Loving Recklessly,
Becky
