So here's part 2 of my REWIND series...
Last time I told you I had spinal menigitis, lymes disease, bells palsy, and a car accident. Well, now I'm here to tell you what happened when I turned 13...
I was waiting at the bus stop one morning with a group of friends. As we waited for the bus to come to take us to school, we were having normal fun and dialog. Next, all I remember was my friends were quiet and staring at me, then the bus pulled up so I walked onto the bus. Once we were on the bus, my friend Jamie asked me "Why did you do that?" I was completely confused. "Do what?" I asked her. Then she went on to tell me that while we were waiting at the bus stop I took my hand and started to play with another girl's hair and then just walked onto the bus like nothing happened. I then fought with her saying that I didn't do that, I don't remember touching anyone's hair. Needless to say, we both ended the conversation very confused!
That was only the beginning.... then my dad saw me in the bathroom brushing the mirror with my hairbrush. I was so confused, I didn't remember doing that... Then I was making a cake and my dad tried talking to me but he said I wasn't responding. So he took me away from the mixer and sat me in a chair and got really scared because I wasn't responding to him... I was staring into outerspace. I don't remember anything.... all I remember is I was mixing a cake and then I'm in a chair where my dad is freaking out and scaring me. Sooooo..... needless to say, after that, we went to the doctor to see what was going on!
After doing a lot of tests with my doctor, we found out that I suffer from Epilepsy which means I have seizures. So all this time, I was having seizures. Now I know when everyone hears the word 'seizure' they think of someone falling to the ground and shaking. So just to clear the air and give you a better understanding of seizures, there's actually a grand spectrum of seizures in how mild or grand they are.
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petite me grand mal
seizures seizures
On one end, there are petite seizures which could only last maybe 3 seconds.... they're very minor but still a seizure. On the other end of the spectrum are the grand mal seizures which are the severe ones where the persons falls to the ground and shakes. I, on the other hand, am smack dab in the middle of the spectrum and have Partial Complex seizures. For partial complex seizures, I go unconscience, have a blank stare on my face, won't respond to anything, but my motor skills are still moving and working. So that is why I touched my friend's hair but don't remember and why I was brushing the bathroom mirror but had no clue I was doing it. I literally have a gap in my memory because of going unconscience.
Epilepsy is not hereditary. You have to have had an injury to the head or a major illness to cause you to start suffering from seizures. Yes, I have 3 things that it could be: my spinal menigitis, the lymes disease, or hitting my head in the accident. However, the problem is that my seizures didn't start right after any of those incidents. It was years later that I started to have seizures. So the cause of my seizures is still a mystery to this day!
Well, there is no formula or magic cure in "this is how you cure seizures.." Every person's situation is very unique to them. What works for them may not work for me. So all they can do is try some medication and wait to see if it works.... and if not, try again.
So that's what we did.... they started me on some medication. I was having about 2 seizures a week before I started the medicine and after I started the medicine, it went down to one a week. We had to wait a few months, went back to the doctor, switched my medicine and got it down to 2 a month. We had to wait a few months, went back to the doctor, switched my medicine and got it down to once a month. Had to wait a few months, went back to the doctor, switched my medicine, and got it down to one every other month.... and this is how the cycle went for 6 years!!! It wasn't until I graduated from high school that I was seizure free for a whole year!
Now as I was finding all this out and coming to grips with it.... all I kept asking is "Why me, God?" I hated it, I was ashamed of it, I felt like a complete weirdo and freak and was embarrassed of it as I was going through high school. But I never let it hold me back from doing anything because my whole desire was to feel as normal as everyone else and conquer this challenge. So I still was fully involved in high school, played basketball, took honors classes, fully involved in youth group, and so forth. I refused to let that define me.
But it wasn't easy... I was constantly exhausted. Beyond exhausted. The side effect of every medication I took was drowsiness.... so I was constantly sleeping. My mom could tell you. I would wake up, go to school, come home, fall asleep, wake up for dinner, do my homework, go to bed. That was it. By my senior year of high school I got permission to come to school a period later just so I could sleep longer it was that bad. And then I would have seizures at all the wrong places... while I'm taking class tests, during basketball practice, in church, in class, anywhere. And it was so embarassing because my body would do something crazy like how I unzipped my jeans in my history class, or almost lifted up my skirt in church, or flung all my papers on the floor in math class.... EMBARRASSING! And then it would be hard physically too because after the seizure, I would get a piercing migraine and have to go home and lay down.
I had many mixed emotions with God during this time. I was so mad and frustrated and upset. I hated having these. I felt like they ruined my life. I would get to the point of being without a seizure for longer and longer periods of time, just to then disappointingly have one and have to start over from square one again. I remember vividly, I was taking my SAT exam so I could get into college... and during the test I went into a seizure. The test proctor had no clue what was going on. But once I came out of it, my papers were everywhere and I was so confused. And that's when I broke out into tears. My test was ruined!... I ended up running out crying, told them to cancel my scores, and went home. It was then at moment that I cried out and screamed to God, "WHY?" It was a gut wrenching cry from the depths of my soul with sobs of tears as I laid on my bed. And at that very moment, God met me. I felt him cry with me and just hold me and tell me "it's going to be ok... I know it's hard, but trust me it's going to be ok." And then this peace, this unexplainable peace, came over me. It was so calming and reassuring.
And after that encounter with our true living and loving God, I started to build this faith and trust God that it's all going to be ok. Even if I did have a seizure, I kept trusting God as I knew he had/has this on my life for a reason, a plan, and a purpose. And even if I don't see it or know what that plan or purpose is, I made a conscience decision to just trust him. So know... everything in our lives is planned and orchestrated by God! I don't know what you may be going through... but just trust him through this rough time in your life. Know that everything is going to be ok. And know that God loves you and has a purpose and a plan for you through this! Just keep trusting Him!
But now, that's not all!! SUPRISE!!! While I was dealing with and coming to grips with my seizures.... another thing happened to me when I was 16!!! Stay tuned for the next post to see what happened to me then.
For now, I'll leave you with a song that really helped my through my seizures during high school... It's Jury Duty by the OC Supertones. There is one line in the chorus that I would just play over and over in my head all the time. It's "I don't always thank you for the rough days and the hard times in my life, even though I should". We need to always thank him and praise for EVERYTHING in our life!
This is the Chorus:
Every single moment whether sleeping or awake is your creation
What you made is good
I don't always thank you for the rough days and the hard times in my life,
Even though I should.
Here's a link to the song- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6WUIBr7Ncs
I pray you're encouraged by it through the rough times you may be going through in your life! Just Trust God!!
Living and loving by God's heartbeat,
Becky
